Author: Jon

It was roughly one year ago that my life was dramatically changed. Getting cancer has had repercussions that I am still feeling to this day. I still have some chemo-related side-effects. More importantly, I am still definitely dealing with it mentally. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to deal with the psychological ramifications of having had cancer.

I have a CT scan tomorrow morning, so that’s what is probably bringing these thoughts up. It’s just another of the constant reminders that keeps me from dealing with this is the way I usually deal with traumatic memories, pretending it never happened. I can’t pretend I never had cancer, I’m reminded of it too frequently.

I just have to find a way to deal with it…

So here it is, 2009…

I’m waiting for my car to be “serviced” right now, so I thought I
would do a blog post.

Finally my return to Las Vegas is booked. I was supposed to go during
the summer, but couldn’t because I was all chemo-upped. So almost 7
months later I’m going. I’ll be there February 19 to 22 and staying at
the Bellagio! I better start practicing my blackjack strategy again.

Also, I’m going back to Disneyland this year.
I found a really cheap flight/hotel combo for the week of June 1 to 5,
and then I’m going to get an annual pass to DL so I could possibly
go yet again within a year. I can’t wait…

I guess I’m way way overdue for an update here…
My life has been out of sorts the last couple of months.
For the first time in years I don’t know what is coming next for me. I finish my degree in December, but I failed to get a chartered accountant articling student job. That combined with the failing economy has made me very depressed lately. I haven’t felt this depressed for an extended period for years. I don’t like the uncertainty of my future.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but it seems like nothing ever works out for me the way I want it to.

This has been a strange fall.
I finished chemo on September 1, just barely. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’m still not entirely back to normal, my skin still has marks on it, and I have weird feelings in my hands and feet sometimes. At least my hair finally started to grow again.
I made it to Disneyland last month, which was fun but extremely crowded. I really want to go back again. At Disneyland you don’t feel the worries of the rest of your life.

Usually I would start to look forward to Christmas around now, but not this year. Christmas just signals the end of the year and is another reminder that I have no job for 2009, and no idea what to do.

I hate being put in a position where I have to react, I prefer to be proactive and create my future, not react to external actions that limit my future.

I don’t know what I’m doing, as the title suggests, I feel lost…

Well I am one third of the way through my chemotherapy, and so far it hasn't been too much fun.

By the end of the first week I was vomiting, a lot. And it continued into the next week.

This week my hair has started to fall out. I have bald patches all over my head.

I'm trying to write final exams for all my summer courses this week. Advanced accounting has really got me worried. I didn't do great on the midterm and I need to get 65% overall for it to count for becoming a CA.

I am going to go to Disneyland when this is all over. That's one of the things that I am looking forward to and keeps me going…

So I went back to the doctor today and got my chemo schedule. I’m getting 3 cycles of BEP (which is Bleomycin, Etoposide & Cisplatin). This will go over the course of 9 weeks, so my summer is pretty much done.

I have a lot of tests and things I have to go through in the next week or so, and then I start the chemo on July 7…

So the waiting is over. I have to get chemo. I'll find out more (like when and for how long) on tuesday.

Oddly enough, when I got the phone call yesterday I actually felt better. The uncertainty was over. The results were crappy, but at least I now know.

Today though it has started to sink in and I feel a little sad. This is going to royally fuck up my summer…

Well I still have to wait another week to find out what's going on with me…

On monday june 2, my family doctor left me a message saying that the results of the CT scan I had on may 28 showed an enlarged lymph node. So I had week of anxiety until my appointment with my oncologist on june 9. Monday comes and she tells me it is a cause for concern and she will present my case to the tumour board for a recommendation, the following wednesday. So I get another week plus of anxiety and waiting again…

It would be so much easier if they could just tell me I have to have surgery or chemo instead of all this waiting…
I have to admit the waiting is getting to me, I don't know how I'm going to make it to next wednesday.
To make matters worse I have two midterms in the next week. I find it hard to study usually, let alone with the worries I have on my mind recently…

It feels like weight pressing down on me…